Lucy Park

Lucy may be our last, best chance.

For some time now on these very pages, we’ve warned of a coming asspocalypse, as a yellow horde—a beautiful yellow horde—of impossibly delicious Chinese asses have begun to infiltrate the West. We’ve urged our readers to motivate the women in their lives, be they significant others or just friends, to work those glutes! Do squats! Lunges! We fear our clarion call has not been heeded, as the Chinese ass-ault continues unabated.

It may be our only hope is with our allies. Lucy (1993/11/?) is a brilliant example. Born in Inchon (to which we would return for just a glimpse of those cheeks), she moved to Oz in 2014 to get past a breakup, and has a bit of an Oz accent to add to her allure. But make no mistake about it, it is her buttocks—and other like- bottomed individuals—that may still win the day for all freedom loving people. It may be that only derrières such as hers can match and stalemate the (we believe genetically engineered) asslaught of the Chinese buns of steel that are on the march.

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